Friday, January 24, 2014
Friday Fodder…Refocusing and Finding Inner Peace

Well friends, it's Friday. I'm not gonna lie, the past two weeks have been less than kind to me. A little over dramatic…probably, but perspective is everything and well, right now, I'm pretty drained. I will warn you, this is a mental cleansing post. I have been thinking a lot lately and I really just needed to journal my thoughts so I can get them out and move forward. I completely understand if you need a fun post to read on a Friday, so by all means, come back on Monday. I promise to move past this and get myself mentally back on track…

I turned another year older last Tuesday. I was actually doing really well with that thought. I was still feeling fresh and ready to tackle 2014 head on. Me and my purposeful action year, we were on a roll. 

Photo: Helen C. Wilson, my beautiful mother
(Grandmama was 13 or 14 here)

Sadly, on that day, I got word that my beautiful grandmother was dying. I was beyond crushed by this news. At first, I was coping with it understanding that she was 82 years old and had suffered from horrible dementia for years. It was her time. I felt an odd sense of calm for her. I focused on her beautiful smile and always happy demeanor. She was an amazing cook that always made the best Sunday dinners for us. I like to think I got that from her. I remember her pork roasts (with mustard sauce), lima beans, coleslaw (with Dukes mayonnaise), rolls and either German Chocolate Cake (the best in the world) or pecan pies. She and my grandfather had huge pecan trees in their yard. My cousin, Michael, my sister, Tara, and I would spend hours picking up pecans for our treats. Definitely a delicious rewards! Grandmama was the type of person that always made you feel happy because she was so incredibly happy. She never met a stranger. You instantly felt like she was a long time friend. She was simply amazing. I will forever miss her laugh and the Southern way she said my name.

I got a call that Thursday evening letting me know that she had passed away. I fell apart. I was completely irrational and angry…mostly at myself. I had let way too many years get between she and I. For that, I will forever feel guilt. My feelings grew sadder as I realized how far gone my youth really is. Not about my age or getting older, but that time has gone and it's going fast (if that makes sense). Driving to South Carolina for her services gave me plenty of time to reflect on things. I have never done so much meditative breathing in my life. My thoughts were all over the place from regret, to sadness, to missing my cousins (whom I hadn't seen in far too long), to missing my grandfather, to not understanding relationships that have gone bad…I was beyond sad.

My expectations of life are not what I thought they would be. I'm guessing most people struggle with this. I should preface this with saying that I am in the most amazing marriage with my best friend. That will forever be true, but there are relationships in my life that I just don't understand and probably will never understand. I'm coming to grips with the reality that we are responsible for who we are. I can't control the people around me or make them see what I see. I really need to move in a direction that makes me happier with me. I need to find inner peace with who I am and where I am (in life and in relationships). I did not take any time off from work this past week. Starting two weeks ago, I went from a crazy work week, to a horribly sad weekend with a lot of stress saying final goodbyes to my grandmother, to driving home at 11pm on Sunday night after her funeral service, to getting up at 4:15am Monday to train clients and then working my butt off this week. Emotionally, mentally and physically I am drained. So, this weekend, I am taking time to regroup and refocus. Two things I will definitely be doing…running and cooking. I have done neither this week and those are both things that I love to do for me. Hopefully I will be catching up on some rest too. I want to start next week on a positive note with positive affirmations.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and definitely tell your loved ones that you love them (hug them if you have the chance). While true friendship and love always know, it's always nice to hear it too.


posted by Sarena Shasteen - The Non-Dairy Queen @ 11:56 AM  
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Sarena Shasteen - The Non-Dairy Queen
Home: Atlanta, GA, United States
About Me: Lactose Challenged
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